an interview with myself

When were you happiest?
A few times when I knew what I was living would turn out to be one of my happiest memories -or a few times when I knew what I was living had been one of my biggest dreams.

What is your greatest fear?
Having a great fear of any kind– whatever..
Or wait a minute... I would rather die than lose my sight or become handicapped so that I am fully dependent on other people.

What is your earliest memory?
Moving our house from Ankara to Akşehir.

Which living person do you most admire, and why?
Myself – I am the person with whom I share most. I know most of my true physical and emotional history. I can really achieve communication with myself – nobody knows.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
That I take too much responsibility and make too many friends though I like being alone doing nothing. Then I end up not having the time for the things&people that I really care about.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Talking too much.

What was your most embarrassing moment?
Nihil humanum mihi alienum.

Aside from a property, what's the most expensive thing you've bought?
My Nikon.

What is your most treasured possession?
See the previous answer.

What makes you depressed?
When struggle fails. When communication fails. When coexistence fails...

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I bear a tired and unhappy expression at times when I am not feeling particularly happy.

What is your most unappealing habit?
Procrastination.

What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
An interactive one maybe... An empty face only with two eyeholes, a marker pen attached to it.. Let the others draw an expression and see me feeling what they made me feel. It is only a mask. Under the unhappy mask they draw, I might be sticking my tongue at them. Wow! lafa gel.

What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Having some time off - away from all responsibilities and acquaintances – when they think I am really busy.

What do you owe your parents?
Most of my seemingly bad qualities such as indifference on choice, unfaithfulness on choice, too quick adaptation to new situations, the awareness that transitoriness is permanent, unability to save money, lack of persistence, constant state of search, restlessness ...
and some of my good-enough qualities if at all such as my appearance, intelligence, ability to achieve happiness despite lack of luxury, strength in real life situations, love for animals.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why?
What’s the use?
Ok.. to everyone whom I filled with great expectations and mutual plans but then took up an entirely different road. This happens with me... I am sorry.

What does love feel like?
Like a blissful obsession... Like you’ve found a center and a metanarrative to stick to and you can’t be postmodern any more.

What or who is the love of your life?
The one I have been living recently.

What is your favourite smell?Fire. Burning wood, burning paper, burning gas... I love chemical destruction. Perhaps they should burn me, or throw me into an acid tank when I die.

Have you ever said 'I love you' and not meant it?
I don’t remember such an occasion.

Which living person do you most despise, and why?
Anyone who strongly despises others.

What is the worst job you've done?
Translation. I’m afraid I’ll have to do it all my life.

What has been your biggest disappointment?
When I wake up from happy dreams in which I fly or find a treasure.
When knowing people told me that we couldn’t even lead a healthy life without “eating” animals... Uh. It hurts me.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?
I admire my past. Perhaps just some more money, some more travel and some more reading would do... Hmm.. Sometimes I feel I shouldn't have dropped that macro economy course, now I'll have to deal with it all over again... and I am not sure if it was a good idea to give up contemporary dance. It had just started to become a part of me.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?
Why the rotten past? I am fine with the past being past. I’d rather go further in time. Where’s the fast forward button?

How do you relax?
Taking photos, writing, walking a huge distance, making love, spending time with animals...

How often do you have sex?
Hmm.. actually (blush) .. quite often if possible.

What is the closest you've come to death?
Many times in traffic. I am too absent minded. The closest shave was when I was 12 or something I think... Once I lived an earthquake, and once a fire.. a few times of serious problem with my stomach, a few times I fainted, some unserious suicidal plans... hmm I never felt like I was close to death at those times.

What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
If we are only talking about the “quality” of “my life” in particular, then money.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Mastering English.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
The same as what life taught Beckett: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

Tell us a secret.
I have only one secret but no thanks, I wouldn’t tell it here.